Embracing the "C" Word

Stream of Consciousness #2

A blank page…

can be equal parts daunting and liberating. You can writing anything and you can write anything.

The blessing and the curse of my life.

The availability to do anything and the paralyzation of option overload. How does one pick?

I recently experienced a shift around this conundrum after reading the book Mastery by George Leonard. Where I felt called out for being such a Dabbler, which in a “graph” form, as illustrated by George Leonard, looks like this:

The excitement and the newness of making “beginner’s luck” type of progress is HOT in the beginning and then…

…I quickly lose interest in whatever it is I’m doing because I stop making progress and it stops being as fun and new.

Also what I refer to as Shiny Object Syndrome or Golden Retriever Syndrome, where I just don’t stick with anything for long enough to become more than a beginner.

The classic Jack of All Trades, Master of None scenario.

But after attending a Dabbler’s Anonymous meeting (hosted by moi) and acknowledging that I am in fact a Dabbler and that I’ve tried and let go of many things including: learning the violin, learning Spanish, learning to play the drums, roller skating, pole dancing (literally only got as far as buying knee pads and leg warmers), rock climbing, tarot cards, surfing, astrology, among many many other things over the course of my near 30 years of life…

A light bulb went off and I decided I’ve tried lots of things and I’m at that point in my life where I think…I’m ready…to…

Commit.

Ugh I know…the “C” word…ew!

It’s been a big theme over the past 5 months or so.

COMMITMENT - commitment - Commitment - CoMmItMeNt - cOmMiTmEnT

And over these last 5 months I learned that I have a self-diagnosed avoidant attachment style or in other words my freedom is everything to me and if I get even the smallest whiff that my freedom is being infringed upon, I will pull away faster than lightning can hit the ground.

So to be quite frank, settling down and committing to any thing, any one, any place feels scarwy (baby voice and you’ll get it).

Because on the inside, deep within my subconscious where my fears and limitations and stories like to hangout and drink a nice sour beer together to celebrate another day of “keeping me safe”, in the corner you’ll find my true self feeling suffocated, smothered, caged with probably some kind of gag in her mouth and tied down.

Yep, my true self…she’s a fighter and she’s tried many times to escape before so of course my fears had to get creative to hold her back. She’s Freaking WILD when she decides she wants to do something and go for it and be all vulnerable and risky and shit.

My true self…she LOVES commitment because it gives her structure. It gives her direction and a container to operate freely in. It allows her to funnel all of her energy with strength and fire and passion behind it towards this singular thing instead of being all scattered and dispersed and unfocused. She can put WAY more juice and power behind her creations when she’s committed.

And that triggers her fears.

Because what if…

• I get killed because of this?

• I get rejected?

• I fail?

• Nobody likes me anymore?

• I lose everyone and everything?

• I get tortured and punished for it?

• People say horrible things about me that aren’t true?

And what if…

• Commitment is the thing that actually brings me joy and fulfillment?

• Commitment is the thing that allows my nervous system to chill the f*ck out?

• Commitment is the thing that brings the most beauty into my life?

• Commitment actually brings me more freedom than I’ve ever had?

My fears, my stories, and my limitations…they mean well. More often than not, they just don’t want me to get hurt, they don’t want me to experience pain. I get it.

But, ultimately, I’m not here to avoid life and everything it has to offer…including the pain. Because like it or not, we live in a world of polarities. So as we grow our capacity to experience joy, bliss and pleasure…we also grow our capacity to experience sorrow, suffering and pain. They are a packaged deal that we sign up for when we come into this human world.

I’m here for ALL of the human experience. ALL of the lessons to be learned. ALL of the perspectives to be gained. ALL of the mysteries to be explored. ALL of the feelings to be felt.

Without THAT kind of commitment…I would just be coping and finding ways to numb myself. And I would be CHEATING myself from having the most magical, beautiful, messy, fucked up, blissful, painful, wondrous adventure during my limited time here.

So I’m cleaning up my act, reigning in my energy and becoming more committed, more devoted and more focused as a way of squeezing out as much juice as I can from this opportunity to be ALIVE.

And maybe, just maybe, these words inspire you to do the same.

With you on your journey friend!

Much love and many blessings,

❤️‍🔥 Rachel ❤️‍🔥