You May Never Have What You Truly Desire
Stream of Consciousness #3
A new lesson dropped in for me recently.
It’s one that, now that it has integrated more, burns with a fiery passion.
And it’s around this idea of “claiming” or “owning” what you want.
I am a recovering people pleaser.
Recovering from sacrificing my own wants and needs in order to keep the peace and manage other people’s emotions and just create some sense of safety within my environment.
Unlearning that I need to do what people want in order to be liked, that I have to fit into a box of other people’s expectations in order to be loved, that other people’s needs are more important than mine.
For a long time I didn’t know what my needs were, what I wanted, what a boundary even was…I was just the orderly being running on autopilot, smiling and waving, knodding in agreement, standing still so as not to make too many waves, that I was trained (“conditioned” if you’re a psyche nerd like me) to be.
I was the girl that prided myself on being “go with the flow”.
Not realizing that I was feeding this idea that my opinions don’t matter and what I want doesn’t matter…because boys like girls who can just go along with what they say…that’s how you get people to like you right? Be as low maintenance as possible? Keep your truths and your thoughts to yourself? Keep your voice down and keep it cool…#goodvibes only RIGHT?!?!?!?!
I am PISSED OFF to TEARS about this shit ^.
I am PISSED about how much of a shell I became of myself because of these beliefs.
I am PISSED about how much that beautiful little girl inside of me had to HIDE her big personality.
I am PISSED that I am not the only woman who has felt this way…small as a fucking termite ready to be stepped on or exterminated at any moment.
…that’s dramatic, even for me, but I’m keeping it for the effect.
Even just writing all of this out, acknowledging it, makes my flippin skin crawl with absolute rage, disgust and sadness.
And it’s something I may never stop feeling so long as women across the world are experiencing this.
And you know what…it’s not even just women. I am going to broaden it to just the state of the Feminine within us all. Because I see these things being expressed in men as well.
This muthafuckin idea that we “shouldn’t” claim and own the things that we want and desire because:
we don’t deserve it
we didn’t earn it
we didn’t work hard enough for it
we shouldn’t want that
we care too much about what other people will think
it’s too scary or intense or painful to want THAT
UGHHHHHHHH!!!
Do me a favor…stand up right now and
SHAKE
THAT
SHIT
OFFFFFFFFFF.
Rip those beliefs out of your brain, remove them from your body and go toss them out of a 90-story building…let them crash to the ground or be taken by the wind or dissolve into thin air or be laser beamed up by aliens…whatever works for you.
Put them in a pile on the ground in front of a bulldozer and squish them, pulverize them with a jackhammer, tie them to a rock and throw them into the ocean.
Just providing some *creative* examples.
I like to roar them out…personally.
Seriously though. It’s soooooo stinkin’ important for you to do this if you ever want to have the things that you desire in life. If you don’t do the work to reframe your beliefs and rewire your protection mechanisms…
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE WHAT YOU DEEPLY TRULY WANT.
So you gotta work that shieeettt out of your system in the way that you’re called to.
Wooo! See I feel better already just getting some of these thoughts out.
Because when you start to rework, reframe and remove these types of beliefs, patterns, and protection mechanisms out of your system, that’s when you can really start expressing your needs, your wants and your desires and CLAIM them. OWN them.
It’s kind of like that classic Field of Dreams quote, but here’s my version:
“If you OWN it, it will come”
It’s the same concept that people teach in manifestation. When you embody that person you want to become, everything will fall into place.
Same, same.
Recently I’ve started owning that I want more intimate connections in my life, that I want to be a Medicine Woman, that I want to have a successful business, that I want to facilitate retreats, that I want to live an extraordinary life.
And let me tell you…things are SHIFTING inside of me. Fears are being shed, beliefs are being vanquished, my juice, my joie de vivre, my radiance is all coming back to me. And it feels SO GOOD!
Now, don’t get me wrong…I just went through a forking tough ass (but still relatively gentle) 3 months of initiation after initiation. Here’s what it felt like:
Earth falling from under me putting me into a freefall, but ope, on the way down I hit this branch, and then that rock and then got thrown into the ocean where the waves submerged me and I didn’t know which way was up or down, then I got to breathe for one big breath of fresh air where I could feel the sun on my face, then the next big wave came and threw me back into the washing machine, and then eventually I found myself washed ashore. My skin was shinier, my face was smooth, I’m pretty sure I was glowing and I felt much lighter.
Just your typical death-rebirth cycle.
So I will be enjoying this rebirth and actually getting to surf the waves instead of being crushed by them until I need to grow again and we’ll start this process all over because that’s just how life rolls baby.
You can roll with it, or you can roll against it. That is your choice.
So what are you going to choose?
To claim and own the big beautiful things you want and desire in your life? Or to keep playing small and pretending like that can’t happen for you?
Wherever you’re at in your journey, whether you’re ready or not, I’m rooting for you. I’m praying for you. And I’m sending you lots of fiery love (for your highest good ❤️🔥)
Much love and many blessings y’all,
🦁 Rachel 🦁